Goobs Blog.

get me out of here.

autistic burnout, art, genuinely exhausted.

Because I'm in autistic burnout many of the sentences will make zero fucking sense! I'm so fucking tired. And I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to complain like everloving hell to my mom about school because I am absolutely trapped.

I hate the feeling feeling like i'm whining on the internet and making it other peoples problem. So this blog has rarley been used for that reason, it feels like being naked in your doctors office but thats not even really what im doing

I can't tell if I'm coping or whatever but I am complaining but I'm taking action so i guess its OK? LMFAO OK ANYWAYS WHAT I WAS MAD ABOUT:

I'm dual enrolled at my local college while taking HS classes because my parents are making me (skipping ahead...) The classes are condensed into 8 weeks and online but theyre so fucking terrible

Every. fucking. week. I am doing weekend homework. then every. fucking weekday. I AM DOING MORE FUCKING HOMEWORK. IS THIS THING ON? I'M DOING HOMEWORK EVERY DAY THAT I AM ALIVE AND AWAKE. This is because the assignments are due every Sunday and because i am a autistic highschooler I can't handle the workload and end up doing the homework throughout the week i actually have 3 undone assignments as i type this!

Obviously this has caused me to be thrown into autistic burnout because of course it did. EVERY. THING. Overstimulates the hell out of me causing me to go apeshit. THERES ALWAYS SOMEONE FUCKING TALKING OR I HAVE TO HEAR SOMETHING LIKE SHUT UP!!!!!!!! SHUT UP1!!!!!! Nearly everyday I want to jump someone AND their mom /hj

Me being burntout has also caused me to become extremely envious of everyones everything. Like someone just went to italy with their boyfriend and i'm doing. a speech outline.

being a bitter witch is so ugly and i've been stopping myself from those gross thoughts but deep down this is my brain jealous of the fact that some people are happy when i'm not and some people are gonna be having the best time of their lives when i'm not. And thats okay.

This is probably co morbid with the fact that I cant draw for shit but also because art feels like a job I have to do which makes me triple not want to do it. Having to be continuously terrible until you get good is not something I can handle in this state it's gonna drive me mad.

It feels extremely easy to just blame my parents as an out and- okay wait they actually are the problem LMFAO but it would be so cringe for me to drag my parents on my neocities; nobody would gain anything anyways

I've been playing through both of Telltales Batman games because I thiiiink it's become a special interest? We'll see. Being seperated from something I actually gaf about for a week at a time makes me crazy in a way I can't explain to allistic people. Everytime I try to anything homework related my brain goes "fuck this go watch justice league"

One of the worst parts of being in burnout is that I genuinely cannot read large texts anymore. That's it for literacy, my brain has regressed to like 5th grade. Everytime I force myself it just gets worse because after being on 100% for 4 weeks straight my brain doesn't give a fuck

I don't know if I should talk about my writing/typing skills because I can barely do it anymore. I'm forgetting words, misspelling 5-letter-words, missing vowels, and just my handwriting looks horrible now. I had to use so much google just to write this.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I NEVER GOT MY BIKE! my mom said she doesn't rememeber the promise she made and wants me to pay for it even though i dont have a job doesnt get paid for chores or anything for that matter of fact. i have no money and she backed out the day i was going to go buy it.

how are yawl 🎂

Where I've been, Site stealing, More

where do i even start. The week of May 6, I had finals before summer break. And like I was nervous & scared obviously but mostly because of math. But also it was the first test I had to take that Monday. Okay well I had a 93 in the class and I studied like crazy the weekend before pulling 2 all nighters. But half the reason why I wanted pass so badly was because if I got all A honor roll then I'd get a bike, it sounds kinda elementary but I just love riding bikes and being outside I'm like a dog I just catch shit man

I used to have one but my Dad sold all of me and my siblings and gave our bike pump to our cousins lmao what is my life. I guess I understand because I didn't ride that often but during that time I was going through a lot and had no motivation for anything. I guess I noticed that because I wanted one for me and my sister to have fun with because she's growing up so fast 🥲🥲🥲🥲

Back to the future, I was sure that I would pass my tests, like not with flying colors but atleast over a 70... On that fresh Monday morning I got- are you ready?? A 40. 40/100. It fucking WRECKED ME. I spent several nights staying up studying and taking notes. It felt like all that work went down the drain. I felt physically ill, like I would puke right there. This is where I come in and say damn I was overreacting but... All A honor roll was something I wanted desprately to prove that I could break my A-B honor roll mold.

A bit on context, 2021 was the worst fucking year of my life! I never cared for myself physically leading to a number of health issues down the line, but one thing I treated with any sort of care were my grades. I would NEVER let anyone see me as some struggling idiot. I despised seeing any grade under an 80. But the truth was I was struggling. Badly. Here are my grades from that year: 86, 88, 98, 87, 97, 89, 76. That last one... A 76.

It drove me (almost) insane. It was a permanant STAIN on my transcript. I hated looking at it. I think that day I ripped all my notebooks apart in anger lmfaoo?? It was in math too My mental health was garbage and it started affecting my grades, which was the number 1 thing I did not want to happen.

when I saw that 40 on my screen it was like I was transported back to 2021. The absolute lowest I've ever been. For months I was happy, like genuine happiness everyday! But that 40 ruined it; Other things were happening in my life but that was the tipping point. I went fucking BALLISTIC. I spent a week mentally bullying myself for my failure. I cycled through several emotions, like from anger, disgust, shame, emptiness. Like I was going through it yall

I shifted blame to everyone but myself. It ultimately had nothing to do with any other external factors, but I didn't want to accept it. But thats okay lol, I've recovered and I've coped. But that episode of loosing sleep, being short with people, loosing motivation to even leave my bed, having nightmares where i didn't get to graduate was fucking horrible. All this over a grade too like be so fucking for real!!!!! its goofy

But yk what, I actually dgaf now and I laugh over the fact that I got a 40 like LMAOOOO GIRL A 40??? As I was, lack of a better word, 'recovering', I did a lot of random shit. Like I noticed that being on the internet while at a low mental point wasn't helping me in the slightest. Like I just needed a break.......

I was also involved with a really toxic friendship causing me to hate talking and to be really mean and backhanded to people... It's not the way I want to be towards people so I completely restarted my internet existance and I love and reccomend everyone to do it. It made me less stressed and my mood really changed. Thank you to all my very amazing and nice friends for helping me out by being great and funny and just healing cause i needed it omfg.

As for what i've been doing on break, I'm currently growing squash in my backyard, and it smells really good. My strawberries are getting eaten before I can even get to them, and my blueberries are ripening and they taste really good!! One day I just went into my backyard, ate an apple under a tree, threw it into the woods, and went back inside and it literally fixed me. Go outside guys..................

This story has a good ending though!!! Despite getting curb stomped by that math final I actually ended the semester with a 4.0 GPA. It's almost like grades don't define you 🤔🤔🤔 yay proof im not a dumbass!! /sarc and my Mom said she'd get me the bike anyways for that which makes me feel kinda conflicted like yay bike but also I don't feel like I earned it nor deserve it but I'm also choosing not to gaf at all so...

Also, I picked this day specifically because today is the 1yr anniversiary of Goooby!!! I can't believe that it's only been 1 year and I have so many people who love my site!!! Thank you1!!!!! I was going to come back earlier but one day I decided to visit tumblr after 3 months of inactivity and on my reccomended was someone posting their Neocities site, so I clicked it and most of it was just copy-pasted from my site. I was so fucking shocked that I just went 'hell no' and extended my break. I thought of emailing them but I realized that I don't give a fuck anymore

Not to say that 'yeah u can steal from me now bc i dont care', i'm saying that i'm not gonna get hot and bothered that a tumblr person stole my code loll also this person is 13 so it'd be a bit awkward? if you see this random person... please remove the stolen code thank you... i've never gotten really angry at people like that, it just makes me see you in a different way

I never made a "TOS" or anything like that because I thought it'd be a bit pretentous? Just not my thing! But here is me being upfront and personal about the whole coding and what you can take from my site. YOU CAN: fonts, whatever you're confused about and need help with, just unnoticeable shit idc about nor did i make or own YOU CAN'T: OMFG MY SITE IS NOT A FREE LAYOUT GENERATOR. do NOTNOTNOT steal my layout from current or OLD VERSIONS, code it urself wtfwtfwtf!! thank u for loving my site and being inspired by me, but the whole point of neocities is for you to code your own site really! also don't copy and paste my divs onto your own site lmaooo whaaattt

It's honestly making me hesitate putting live versions of my old layouts.. Making your own shit is so fufilling and i highly reccomend everyone learns to!! I'm working on a full tutorial right now!

Happy Pride everyone too!!!! My site is a place for everyone under the queer umbrella, and that will never change!!!!!

I ran out of shit to say now I'm just yapping now im dead 😭😭 So here's what I'm doing now: Watching movies!! I've probably seen 8 or so which I'll be probably rating in my movie reviews page. Listening to bangers!!!! I've been listening to Yoeko Kurahashi, YAPOOS, LAUGHIN'NOSE. Heavy on Yoeko cause I had no idea what I was missing out on till I started listening to her... PLEASE LISTEN TO HER MUSIC!!!! Drawing!!! I've started picking up drawing up again.. I'm not good at it nor am I proud of things I've made but that's whats motivating me to keep doing it and getting better and better. I hope to share my drawings with you all one day!

If you read this all the way hey... If you sent me an email over this past month, LITERALLY SORRY. I haven't been on Neocities, my Email, or barely any social media at all!!! I decided to completely go cold turkey and not make myself feel bad or anything for not being on the internet. So if I missed something important that you sent me, I should see it now! Sorry for the wait!